ARTICLES

HOW TO MAKE A BULLETPROOF HEART

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 22:15:14 -0400

I am about to tell you about the scariest thing that doesn’t exist. Heartbreak. It’s scary. I mean look at it. Heart and Break. It’s got the words heart and break right in there. I mean “heart” not a “heart” “the” heart, “your” heat. As in “the” heart that keeps you alive. As in no heart, no you. And then what comes right after that precious word? Break. As in broken, and in doesn’t work anymore. Broken heart, means non working heart, means non working you. Heartbreak basically means “you die.” I mean you don’t actually die, but on some levels it almost feels that way and on some levels people spend more energy avoiding heartbreak than they do actual death. And it is such a scary concept that people spend endless amounts of energy trying to avoid it. In fact some people so much energy avoiding heart break that they never open themselves open enough to even have their heart really be touched. Or some people to avoid heartbreak will date people they don’t really like that much just so they don’t feel the pain of when they leave. Crazy right? Who would do such a thing?
I am about to tell you about the scariest thing that doesn’t exist. Heartbreak.
And no this has nothing to do with the Matrix, I just think we make heartbreak up.
Let me splain.
I used to be very insecure. And when I was insecure and single I always felt nervous with this feeling there was something wrong with me. This uncomfortable feeling that I wasn’t good enough and I might end up alone. It didn’t feel so good.
But then I’d get a girlfriend and it felt soooo much better. I’d think “Oh my god, somebody looooves me and I am not broken. In fact I am da man. “Go Daniel, it’s your birthday.” That kid on Christmas morning feeling. Ba da ba ba baaaa I’m loving it.
And we lived happily ever after. End of story. Cue the orchestra. We’re registered at Macy’s.
Oh wait that’s not me. Actually she left. She says to pursue her dreams of being a semi-professional unicorn wrangler, but I have my doubts. For one, unicorns are damn near impossible to wrangle. But either way, whoop bam boosh out the door she went.
And with her went that amazing feeling. And in its place returned that old, yucky, nervous, insecure “Oh my god I’ll die alone with cats” feeling and I felt completely devastated and heartbroken.
But what if that isn’t heartbreak? What if nobody hurts us or breaks our heart? What if there is no such thing as heartbreak? What if we just get returned to our original crappy state?
And maybe you’re thinking “Daniel, what does it matter if it’s real or not, it still sucks?” Good question Junior Woodcucks.
If you understand heartbreak doesn’t exist (it was just covering up the already existing insecure feeling) and that nobody can do anything to you, you don’t feel so vulnerable. If you own that you might just be insecure and that feeling heartbroken is a choice you make (as opposed to thinking that somebody did something to you or something can happen to you) then you don’t feel so out of control. And if you don’t feel vulnerable and powerless and unsafe then a) you drop your walls enough so you can actually connect with somebody and actually fall in love to begin with. b) you’ll be less needy and controlling and they might not consider leaving at all c) you’ll relax and really enjoy the love you do have.
You think protecting yourself from heartbreak is helping you. It’s keeping you from the very things you want.
If heartbreak did exist, it’s between you and yourself. You not loving you is the original heartbreak. That is the real sadness. That is the real breakup, between you and yourself. And until you learn to love yourself (and not need anybody to help you feel that way) you will always be cautious and end up keeping out the very love you want.
But all is not lost. It gets better. Much better. Cue the Rocky music.
When you learn to love yourself, when you know deep down you are a big ball of awesome deliciousness, when you really feel that, you feel great all the time. ALL…THE…TIME
So learn to love yourself. Take yourself out on dates and buy yourself a corsage.
You’ll feel great and glow with an energy people find irresistible. You won’t be afraid of getting hurt when they leave and they don’t leave anyways. It’s a win win. Ba da ba ba baaaa you’re loving you.
Take some time and think of how your life would be if you stop thinking people can emotionally hurt you. Hint: It’s better.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA: and why that’s a good thing

Tue, 9 Dec 2008 23:49:41 -0500

Dear Daniel,

You always suggest that women just let loose and let our intentions be known. But when I do that, I scare the men off. Why do men seem to be intimidated by strong women? Is it because they want to feel in charge?

Sincerely,
Still Open to Suggestions

Well S.O.S I’m sorry but I can’t answer that. I mean I can. I could write an entire article on the fact that “men are intimidated by strong women” is just another of dozens of mythical rumors that people use when needing a juicy justification. Instead I want to reply to it all, once and for all.

You aren’t going to like what I’m about to tell you. I came up with what I’m about to say and even I didn’t want to admit it was true. But when I did embrace what I’m about to tell you, I started to enjoy love and dating so much more. Okay…here it is. Ready? Everything you think you know about love and dating is wrong. Not some, not partially. ALL. And I’m not being sensational or trying to get your attention. I mean it. How much do you know about Pluto’s Moons? That much you actually know about the opposite sex. Let me guess. You disagree? Shocking.

I’m on your side. I wish you knew. I wish I knew too. But I don’t. I used to think I knew. I mean I’m pretty smart, I wear earth-tones well, dominate at Trivial Pursuit AND Scrabble, and thought I had some insight into the dating world.

How much turned out to be accurate? Pluto’s moons. Exactly.

How do I know this?

Well, I’m guessing you are willing to admit that some of what you know isn’t that accurate, but probably not willing to admit most of what you know is inaccurate.

That’s the first clue that I may be onto something.

Who knows if I am correct or not, but when you tell people everything they know about love and dating is inaccurate nobody ever replies with “I had a hunch I knew nothing. Thank you for freeing from the shackles of delusional analysis.”

When it comes to love and dating, people don’t like the idea they know nothing. And that is precisely why they know nothing.

I’m not trying to be confusing. I think this will make sense in a little bit.

So. How do I know that what you know is not accurate? Because whatever you think you know, before you even came up with the theory, you had a reason to come up with it. And it is never pure curiosity. It wasn’t like you were randomly sitting and thinking “I’m curious about men. And after really thinking about it, motivated by the sheer curiosity of the social condition I conclude my ex-boyfriend was not ready for love.”

We don’t ask “why” motivated by curiosity.

In fact I am pretty sure in the billions and billions of conversations about men and women, in the billions and billions of gallons of coffee, red wine, beer and ice cream (archetypal substances, don’t mix them) in all the questioning and talking and all the billions and billions of “why’s” all the “why do they do this’?’” and all the “why do they do thats?” All the “let me tell you whys” and the “you know why I think they did thats” In all of those billions of whys, not a single one was ever purely motivated by the desire to really ask “why?” How do I know?

Of all the fake “whys” ever recorded, I am responsible for 79,452.

And looking back, if I’m really honest, I didn’t ask “why” because I was curious.
So then what was it?

Let me ask you this. The second we feel wanted and attractive and loved and sexed (which is really just the previous three with sexy bits involved) and most of all….safe. What do we stop asking? You bet your lifesavers….we stop asking ”why?”

At the exact moment when my lips first meet those of a beautiful woman (and there have been at least 3) I don’t wonder “Why are woman so hard to read?” Hell no. My mind is empty blisses out on the fleshy delicious that is woman. Now about 13 seconds earlier when my heart was in my throat and I feel like I could be rejected and be reminded I’m still 14…That’s when I am thinking “Why did she flip her hair like that?” and “Why are woman so tough to read?”

So why do the whys suddenly peak then, just before the kiss? Because in that moment, before the kiss, is present what fuels all the “whys.” Not curiosity, but FEAR.

Sorry social scientists, we aren’t actually that curious, we are all actually just chicken shit.

Want to double check if your questions and assumptions are curiosity based or fear based? Ask yourself, do you really care what the answer is one way or the other? Try on a few answers and if some seem to make you feel either happy or pissed, then it’s not curiosity you seek. You are afraid of something and ask the question to cover up that fear. For instance, if you are a woman and ask “Are you into me or are we just sleeping together?” I bet the answer “We have a special connection that makes me feel a way I never thought possible” feels different from “Oh yeah, no totally, we are just banging.” When your’re with a guy and ask him “Does this striped dress make me look wide” And he says “Yeah pretty much.” You probably don’t go “Why thank you for your honest feedback on your dimensional analysis of my Body Mass Index.” Hell no. A hair brush will soon be flying through the air. Because in both those questions you wanted an answer to quell not your curiosity, but your fears.

It’s worth noting there are legitimately curious people. We call these people scientists. So if you are working on a paper called “Why Did She Give Me That Look?” or “Investigations Into Whether Kelly Has A Boyfriend” then ask all the “whys” you want. Or if you a have a federal grant to investigate “Why Are Guys Such Douchebags?” then by all means keep up the good work and let me know what your findings are on the national survey of “Why The Hell Didn’t He Call Me Back Even Though There Was A Total Connection?” For the rest of us, let us get back to being afraid.

Now it’s no big deal to be afraid. The problems comes when we aren’t fully aware that we are afraid. Pride slips in and sometimes we are too cool to admit who we actually are. We generally don’t like being honest and admitting things like “I am scared” or “I don’t love myself enough to handle a rejection” or “I’m pissed at that person because they are not telling me I am as attractive as I want to pretend to be.” We have $150 jeans and leather upholstery to convince ourselves and others how strong and capable we are.

It’d be bad enough if we were afraid and we just didn’t know it. But the plot thickens because when we are afraid something else happens.

In moments of fear, humans are wired to respond in one of two ways, fight or flight. We either fight the thing (get angry or frustrated) or run from the thing, get fearful or uncomfortable.

Ideally in moments of fear, humans would go “Hmmm I feel afraid. Which is odd, because there is no real threat. I’ll sit here and rationally assess the situation.”

Instead we feel a need to do something.

When we’re afraid our bodies register that as being uncomfortable. Humans are very bad at just sitting with discomfort. That’s because millions of years ago, fear meant there was a tiger in the bushes and you better get the hell out of there. Discomfort was a life or death alarm system. But now we feel fearful and uncomfortable when somebody hasn’t e-mailed us within the 60 minutes we decided is when they should e-mail us. And our emotions don’t register the difference between tiger and late e-mail.

So since discomfort was originally designed to get you to act fast and get safe, we aren’t very good at just sitting with it and doing nothing.

So to make the uncomfortable feelings go away, we don’t just go “Hmmm that is odd. I feel uncomfortable. Which is odd since there is no real threat to my safety.” Nope. What do we do when things don’t feel right, we try to figure it out. Which, millions of years ago, was a good idea. If there was a tiger around or crops failing, we felt uncomfortable and it made sense to figure out the problem and stay alive.

In fact, the three pleasure centers of the brain are food, sex and learning (figuring it out). The three things that help keep us alive. And if you can do all three at once, god bless you. Probably involves chocolate and a Sudoku puzzle.

So now when we feel uncomfortable, that old wiring kicks in and we try to figure things out. It makes us feel like we know what is going on. Makes us feel safe. Key word “feel” and key word “safe.” More on that later.

Now most of the time our brain doesn’t know what is going on. How can you know what people are really up to? So if we were smart we’d think “Oh I really want to know what is going on, and feel better, but you know what, I don’t know, and it’s impossible to know, and I’ll just accept not knowing and take my chances with life and go watch Jeopardy till this uncomfortable feeling goes away?” If we could do that, most of the blame, anger, and miscommunication in the world would vanish. But we’re not that smart. Our brain so wants to feel like it knows what it’s going on, even when it doesn’t, that it does something really, really hilarious. God’s little party trick. You know what it does? Our brain…wait for it….wait for it…Our brain MAKES SHIT UP. That’s right ladies and gentleman of the jury Say it with me. MAKES SHIT UP.

To recap. We feel fearful. That fear feels uncomfortable. Instead of sitting with the discomfort, we try to get rid of the feeling. We know we can temporarily get rid of that discomfort (but not the real issue) by coming up with a theory that “makes sense.”

Most of our theories come from trying to get rid of a feeling, not to actually understand things accurately.

In short, we don’t want truth, we want a sedative.

So our brain goes “I want to feel like I know, so can you please supply me with some vague, impossible to disprove theories that I can stretch and pull to make this all make sense and have this discomfort go away” And magically you are armed with stories your college friend told you, advice from your mom, magazine articles, stuff you made up years ago and haven’t gone back to re-evaluate and my favorite “Things I heard once at camp, and now take as scientific fact.”

Oh and don’t forget, if you don’t know what is going on, you can call a friend and they will make up stuff for you. And then when they call next time you can make up stuff for them. Cuz that’s what good friends do.

And between stories and rumors and insecurities and friends, you basically have your bases covered. Ever wondered how you can interact with thousands of people and almost never go “I have no idea what is going on?” It’s cuz you are constantly MAKING SHIT UP.

Oh we aren’t done yet. There is more. Remember when we are feeling affraid, we go into either fight or flight.

Making things up in the “flight” mode looks this. We are making things up so we feel like we know. When we don’t know, we like to fill in the blank, so we feel like we know. And to fill in that blank in a way that gets us away from the threat, you know what we fill that blank in with? Our worst insecurities. Ouch. I know.

Ever wondered why when somebody doesn’t call you back, you don’t assume a good reason like they got stuck rescuing a kitten. No, it’s always that you messed up, weren’t good enough or attractive enough…etc. Whatever you freak out about, viola that must be the reason.

When I was 16 I liked this girl, and I thought she liked me back. But she ended up going out with this really good looking guy. And since I thought I was more interesting and funny than the other guy, I concluded then and there that it must be because I was ugly.

And so from that point on, no matter what a girl did, it was because I was ugly. “Why won’t she go out with me?” Probably because I’m ugly. “What? She is going to be 30 minutes late.” Probably because I’m ugly. I’m sure none of you can relate.

Now that was the “flight” version of making things up to get away from an uncomfortable situation. There is still the “fight” version of making things up.

So you are feeling fearful and uncomfortable and you need to make something up (to feel like you know) AND attack the other person so you can get out of the situation. Throw that all together and guess what? “He just wants to sleep with me” “Men are shallow” “He probably is lying.” And my favorite made up thing “Men can’t handle strong women.”

All of those things aren’t even true, and even if they were true, how would you know if he was doing that behavior in that moment. You wouldn’t. And you can’t. But you sure as hell will tell yourself that when you need to.

You get to avoid admitting you are afraid and if you make them bad enough then you avoid everything challenging in life altogether.

If you decide, “He is just trying to sleep with you,” then you don’t have to go home with him at all and avoid the possibility that he may sleep with you or may not. You can avoid that he may call you or may not. You can avoid evaluating why you care so much if he calls or not. You can avoid deciding if the discomfort of the future is worth the enjoyment of the present. You can avoid evaluating and taking responsibility for so many things. Hell you can avoid all of life itself, just by making up one thing about him. It’s genius really.

Men do it too. If you are a guy, have you ever walked into a room, seen a beautiful woman and thought “F’ing bitch.” Oh and you don’t think she’s a bitch. You KNOW it. Even though you have no idea about her, no idea whatsoever. But if she’s a bitch then there is no reason to even walk up to her and get to know her. And then it’s all her fault, without ever admitting you’re afraid. Brilliant right?

The only good news is that the lies get easier to create. Because what we make up, almost always makes us go as far from the situation or person as possible. So we make up a theory and then we are so scared or pissed that we never go back to get information to find out if we were right or not. So if you come up with a theory, but then never get contrary information to refute it. Guess what, you pretty much believe it to be true. And do this enough times and what was once an in the moment theory starts to become an irrefutable fact.

In fact they feel so true, you will defend them, even when you get information suggesting they aren’t true. Reality is trying to update our made up theories all day long. Our friends and families have been trying to update our theories for years. But when you get information that goes against your made up theory, you will do a few loveable little tricks.

First is to treat it as a fluke. I had a friend who thought men don’t know how to treat women right anymore. So I asked her “What about the last 3 great guys that asked her out, that treated you really well.” Her response? They didn’t count. Interesting isn’t it? One guy treated her like crap back during the Carter administration and that counts. That has counted for decades. But the 3 guys in a row treating her well. That doesn’t count. Awesome.

The second tactic we do, when we don’t want to admit we don’t know, is what humans love to do more than anything. Rationalize. Yummy yummy. Who doesn’t love a good old juicy rationalization? “I’m not needy, they were all lesbians.”

Third tactic we do to make sure we don’t update our theories, we just delete information that doesn’t fit into our model or that we don’t want to see in ourselves. I was coaching a women and she felt convinced that men won’t consider you girlfriend material if you sleep with them on the first date. And since I know that is not true, I asked her where she heard that. And she said she didn’t know, but that was pretty sure it was true. Then I asked her “are you sure about that?” She assured me yes. I asked her “Have you ever seen a situation where this theory doesn’t hold up?” Again, she assured me yes. Then her friend, who was overhearing the conversation, said “What about Evan?” And she said “What about Evan?” And I was like yeah “What about Evan?” And then she said again “What about Evan?” and her friend said “Did Evan love you?” And she said “Yeah he was the only guy that really ever did.” And then her friend said “And how did you first meet Evan?” And she said “I don’t know, we met at a bar and hooked up that night.” And I was amazed because she still wasn’t seeing the connection. And then after about ten seconds she said quietly “Oh good point, Evan and I had sex on the first night and he totally loved me.”

Which is hilarious. The one actual experience of being in love she had, she completely forgot about the specifics. But she had a solid theory, that she fully believed, backed up with absolutely nothing.

And how did she come up with that theory, even though she had no evidence to prove it, and all the evidence in the world to disprove it? Because when it comes to men and women, we aren’t motivated by reality, we are motivated by calming ourselves down by MAKING THINGS UP.

The funny thing is, you kind of already know this. On some level we know we scare ourselves away from situations we actually want to participate in. Some of us, many of us actually, take steps to calm down these fears so we can enjoy life. No you aren’t wise and transcendent, you are actually just drunk.

We drink. These lies we make up build and build and build to the point where we have so scared the living crap out of ourselves that we literally have to deprive our brain of oxygen so we can relax enough to do the things we want to do anyways.

Men are so nervous they have to get drunk to pull of basic human interaction. Women get drunk so they can be the free flowing vixens that normally only comes out on Halloween. I want a world where, sober, the men can be confident and the women can be flirty. And we get drunk to celebrate not medicate. Can I get an Amen.

Now the question is, why would we purposefully keep ourselves from seeing the truth. Two reasons. Firstly we made up the story to begin with. If we take in new information it basically means we have to admit we were lying to ourselves. It means all the arguments and problems created from defending that lie were all for nothing. And our pride just can’t handle that. Second reason is that learning is a pleasure center of the brain. Learning “feels” like safety. So not knowing feels dangerous. We love our patterns and familiarity. They feel comfortable. So humans feel better holding onto a familiar lie than accepting a new truth.

And hold onto these lies we do. And the more we hold onto them, the more we have to ignore the good, and focus on the bad. You basically justify the Iraq War in your head. Which means you will keep making up that story over and over, until basically it becomes scientific fact. There is a place that collects all these facts. It’s called Cosmopolitan Magazine.

And on the one hand women know magazines like Cosmo are fear based bibles of toxicity, but on the other hand they sell because they are full of generalizations that seem to simplify life and make you feel like there are rules and “truths” and that one day, if you learn enough, you will one day “know” the answer and then you feel safe.

But that is the farthest you will ever be from safety.

Safe is when you stop trying to figure it out. Safe is when you stop trying to come up with the rules and tactics to get it right. Safe is when you build yourself up to the point, where no matter what the other person does, you know who you are and what you believe in.

This whole exploration has been about showing you that you know nothing, and that that’s a good thing. Because with all this fear and strategy flying around, maybe, just maybe you will keep the “bad” guy out. But you certainly keep out all the other men in the process too. When you can admit you don’t know much, you can shut the computer in your head down, be present, be yourself and shine so brightly and be so much fun that the person likes you so much they want to spend time with you. Not because you got it right, but because you were you. And when you know that the person is with you, not because you “got it right”, but because they like you, that is when life gets really juicy.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW
I only get better at what I do, by hearing from people. Any constructive criticism or telling me what you learned, is incredibly helpful.

CLICK HERE to tell me how you experienced this article.

INNER BEAUTY ON THE OUTSIDE

Fri, 8 Aug 2008 18:14:11 -0400

Writing about yourself is not easy. As a dating coach I help my clients put together great little profiles and it does take time. But here are some basics about the energy you can put out to increase the likelihood of making a connection with somebody you really dig.

I often hear common complaints about online dating from my clients. Women complain that men are just trying to sleep with them. But when I read their profiles, I’ll be honest, all I want to do is sleep with them too. Men complain the women don’t write back, but when I read their profiles, I think “you have the charisma of moss.”

This is not an exact “do this and this will happen” column. At the end of the day you could put up pictures of yourself in a burlap sack reading Emily Dickenson and some guys will still write “Wanna bang?” But amongst all the “wanna bangs” you can take steps to attract your “wanna hangs.” Get it bang, hang? See how I flipped it right there.

Okay... back to basics. Men are horny, desperate, visual creatures, online at 2a.m. (hypothetically of course). If all they see is a pretty face, then throw in some teenage desperation and two million years of evolution yelling “Go For It.”, and they will go for it. I’m not saying I don't sometimes wish men were a bit more tactful, but that’s another story, I’m just saying if all men see is something shiny, nature kicks in and they try to get with something shiny.

But wait dear princesses, all is not lost. The key phrase in that last paragraph is “If all they see is a pretty face.” Key word “all”. If “all” they see is something shiny they will go for shiny almost every time. So if you want men to want more than shiny, you have to be more than shiny.

I read profiles all the time that say “No booty calls, no one night stands.” Look, if you put up a picture of yourself in heels and a profile saying “I like BBQ’s” what else is a guy supposed to do? If there is shiny and nothing else, shiny wins by default.

Also my female clients often complain that the guys online are lame. But when I read the woman’s profile I think “maybe that’s because your profile is lame.”

The funny thing is, is that the advice I am about to give is not very complex or insightful. It's pretty basic. But intelligent women I have coached, it just didn't occur to them. Not because they are not smart, but because my suggestions involve trying and extra effort. And often times, when it comes to finding love, woman don't like to hustle in certain areas.

Partly I think it might be, if I don't try too hard, then I can't fail that much. So I'll just half-ass it, and then when it doesn't work, I can tell myself it wasn't me.

Also, partly due to nature, partly nurture but subconsciously some women on some level feels like "I am great and men should just know that, and I shouldn't haven't to "work" to find you. You will automatically know how special I am and do what it takes to come find me."

Men are used to hustling to get a date, women often feel more entitled, like they are just "owed it." And when entitled people don't get what they want, they get irritated.

So for the women out there that feel like prince charming is just going to show up, you not read any further.

For those of you that get that you are online and things aren't going so hot, and so might want to accept reality, step out of princess-land, and go get your man...here are a few tips.

IF YOU WANT MEN TO SEE YOUR INNER BEAUTY, YOU HAVE TO SHOW IT

The first thing you can do is make sure you have a thoughtful, engaging profile that shows who you are. Not the surface you. The you, you.

Saying you like to stay active and are close to your family may be true, but it’s boring. Borrrrrr-ing. “I like my job.” Boring. “I love my dog.” Boring. “I like to travel.” Boring. Oh and my all time favorite “I like drinks on the patio.” Who doesn’t like drinks on the patio? Is a guy supposed to think “Oh man, look, a girl who likes drinks on the patio. This is somebody I can fall for”?

We all know it’s about chemistry, and you don’t get much chemistry with water and milk.

You put boobies next to “I like to ride my bike” and boobies will win every time. You put “I live to hop on my bitchin’ ride and fly around town like a super hero.” Now you have a chance at getting a guy to find out more.

The secret to profiles is reading what’s between the lines. You like your dog. Great. Awesome. Riveting. Why do you like your dog? “I like my dog, cuz when it’s a CSI re-run, I’ve always got him.”

People love to feel special. But then act generic. How is somebody supposed to think you are special and devote energy to you, when they know nothing about you? Aside from the fact that you like drinks on the patio.

WALK THE WALK

I read profiles all the time that say “I’m quirky” or “I’m fun.” Really? Cuz I just read your profile and it sounded about as quirky and fun as my dad watching Wheel of Fortune. You are trying to connect with somebody, so give them something to connect with. Don’t write “I’m fun,” put “Last weekend my friends and I jumped in shopping carts and terrorized tourists.” Instead of “I’m quirky.” write “My favourite teddy bear, Lazlo, has a button missing, but that’s okay cuz it makes him look like a pirate.” Now we're talking. People go crazy for pirate jokes.

FUNNY IS AS FUNNY DOES

The funniest thing about somebody putting “I’m funny” in their profile, is that they think that’s gonna do it. Why not just put “I’m smart” and “I’m nice” in there. Oh wait, people do. To attract somebody with a similar sense of humor, you have to actually put it out there. “I’m funny” Borrrr-ing. Next. “I’m not the hottest girl out there, but my peg leg means we’ll win any costume party.” Now we're talking. Why? You guessed it, people go crazy for pirate jokes.

Remember it’s all about chemistry and you don’t get much chemistry with milk and water. So put on your rubber gloves, lab goggles, and get a glass of Chardonnay, and start putting out some crazy concoctions people will want to mix with.

Otherwise your chances of finding that spark are (in your best pirate voice) HAAARRRRRRD.

Happy Sailing Mate-y.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW
I only get better at what I do, by hearing from people. Any constructive criticism or telling me what you learned, is incredibly helpful.

CLICK HERE to tell me how you experienced this article.

NICE GUY IS HORNY GUY

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 01:45:55 -0400

Dear Daniel,

I’m a flirty girl and boys like me. So that’s not the problem. The problem is I want a guy that wants me for more than just sex. So how do I avoid those men.

Sincerely,

Guarded In Real Life

Well GIRL, I don’t want to even answer this question because it wouldn’t really help you. Even if I had a magic boy love/lust decoder ring, it wouldn’t help. It wouldn’t help get you what you want, a guy that is into you for more than sex.

Why doesn’t it help? Because the guy that wants to have sex with you and the guy that wants you for more than just sex….IT’S THE SAME GUY!!!

Women in relationships understand this. The guy who empties your puke bucket when you’re sick, is the same guy that lifts up your skirt when you are making chocolate chip cookies.

It’s the same guy. It’s me. I have never cheated on a women, I don’t lie to women, I like to talk about my feelings, I know to listen to you and not solve your problems.

Men, repeat after me “I can see how you’d feel that way.” And the even more advanced “I see no possible solution to your problem, but I support you in whatever decision you make.”

I’ll dance with you at weddings, I’m funny (Not sunglasses on a dog funny, but funny) and I l-o-v-e to cuddle. I’m THAT guy. I’m Oprah’s wet dream.

But, on a first date, if you let me, I’ll will nail…you….to….the….WALL!!! Gorilla style, you feel me? And that sentence either excited you or repelled you. And for those that didn’t like it, remember, say it with me “It’s The Same Guy.”

I’ll slap your ass, but then bring you Aloe Vera cuz I don’t want you booty red.
I’ll pull your hair, but then put a little piece of your hair in my journal and write about how much I love you. At night we will do it like we’re on the Discovery Channel, but in the morning, guess who gets an omelet? The princess does.

And not a cheap omlette. Sun-dried tomatoes, feta cheese. Whatever my mom has lying around the house is yours.

Say it with me girls “Horny Guy and Nice Guy….Same Guy.”

And you know it’s the same guy. But you forget it sometimes. The reason you forget it, is because it is easier to forget it. See, when a man does something that makes you uncomfortable, it’s safer to just make him bad and think things like “Oh my god he was just looking for sex.” or “God why do you guys just have one thing on their mind?” That way, you can vilify him, make him the culprit and you can justify removing yourself from him. If you stopped and remembered what you really knew you’d have to go “Well the guy just did something that makes me uncomfortable, but I don’t really know his intentions, so I guess I’ll have to take a risk and see what happens.” That’s doesn’t feel very safe and in control.

And that is what this is all about. Control. You’re more in control if you can bounce the guy. Problem is when you bounce the guy, you are potentially bouncing the guy you maybe wanted to be with.

It’s like jealousy. It gets you the opposite of what you wanted to.

Of course there are men that just want to sleep with you. But, barring extreme cases, you will almost never know who they are. Men are incredibly horny, pent up, occasionally desperate sexual creatures. You put on some tight clothes and make-up and even the best men in the world will strike when blood is thrown in the shark tank. But it doesn’t mean that is ALL they want.

When you go to a restaurant and you are really hungry, and the waitress asks if you want an appetizer. You are really hungry so you say “Yes.” Well the waitress doesn’t say “Is that all you are looking for? God can’t you appreciate that food is more than curly fries and shrimp dip? Are you so shallow that you don’t want vegetables?” No. It just means in this moment, you are pretty hungry and something quick and satisfying would really hit the spot. So even though men can sometimes appear sexually pre-occupied, it doesn’t mean that is who they are all the time. You won’t be dating him and say “Hey want to go watch a movie?” And he’ll say “Sorry, no movies, just sex.” “Hey want to hang out and laugh with me?” “Nope. I hate laughing. Just sex.”

I know women like control and like to “know.” But you limit yourself when you think you know something you can’t possible know. I hear women sometimes say “He just wants to sleep with me.” No matter what you see, you don’t really know what he wants. You know why you don’t know? Because WE don’t know. Here is basically what many men do, on some level. We think “Look something shiny and vanilla scented is paying attention to me. I’ll play with it until it tells me to go away.” Sometimes we have sex with it, sometimes we fall in love with it. We don’t know. And if we don’t know, you don’t know. Sucks, but kind of freeing when you think of it.

Get out of your head, and in the moment. Not only is it fun, and you learn more, but being in the moment, is when you are likely to make the connection that will actually get horny guy to want to be more than horny guy.

The way to get a man to not just want to sleep with you is that he feels a connection with you, he wants to be around. And that connection is formed over time. Time you may not have if you are busy assuming, judging and running.

I certainly understand that women need a sense of control, but you have to make calculated risks. Because even at it’s best you can’t avoid risk. Even when you have done everything “right” life is unpredictable. You can be a perfect driver, follow all the rules, and still somebody can run a red light and take you out.

But even though we can be hurt in a car crash, we still get in that car every day, because a fearful life is crippling.

Dating is full of calculated risks. Nobody ever died from a guy not calling you back, but loneliness kills.

Ultimately it’s a choice you’ll have to make GIRL. Do you want to be safe, or do you want to find love. How does the saying go “You have to kiss a lot of frogs.” Well you’re probably going to do more than kiss, and they will probably be more attractive than frogs, but the key word in that sentence is “a lot.” Connection is rare, and you have to experience a lot, before you find it.

If you sleep with a guy and he doesn’t call you back, worst case scenario is, you still got laid. And take it from somebody that had sex once, that is not a bad worst case scenario.

-DP

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YES IS SEXY

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 01:46:14 -0400

Dear Daniel,

I’m 26. Cute enough, but haven’t kissed a boy in two years. And a date? Well you get the picture. I have a friend who isn’t any more attractive than I am, but she is always doing things with boys. I see that she puts herself out there more and I wish I could do that more, but I don’t. What’s the secret? What does she have that I don’t and how do I get it? Is there a pill I can take?

Sincerely,

Please Illuminate Love Life.

Well PILL, Almost. I’ll give you a clue. It’s harder to carry in your purse, but still swallowable. Second clue. What does your friend have that you don’t? She is less afraid than you are. And what helps with fear? Booze. That’s right, the magical pill is booze. Good cuz you now just need to take the magical pill. Bad news is, there is no such thing as magic. Damn... so close right?

And even though booze exists (I tasted it once at my Bar Mitzvah) I want a world though where women are fearless, without booze. That way you go after what you want, but still have the decision-making skills and awareness to go after the right thing. All the fun of drinking without the hollow pit in your stomach. I know, revolutionary.

So now that you realize there is no magic, you are going to realize that much of what we want in life we have to work for. We often look at people and think “Oh they are this way, and I am that way, and they were born with it, and I was born without it.” But the fact is that your friend is afraid too, but she has worked to lessen it. And the fear that is left, doesn’t rule her.

Most people are afraid of all sorts of things in dating. It's unpredictable and shows us things we don’t want to see. But the people that have fun and live and learn and find connections faster are those that decide that the things they are afraid of are just temporary discomforts. And that the temporary discomfort is well worth the long term potential.

“Daniel do you have an example of this you ask?” Why yes I do. The Katy Perry song “I Kissed A Girl.”

It’s this fun, drippy Pop hit about..well you guessed it... a girl kissing a girl.

SIDE NOTE: Katy Perry is on my celebrity “To Do” list. Look her up. She is tasty, cute and sassy and dresses in that sexy, vintage 40’s pin-up style. Red lips, polka dots. Daniel Packard Crack I tell ya’. If you ever want to know how to dress flirty, just throw on Polka dots and half the work is done. At least with me anyways.

Okay back to girl on girl action. Here is the song.

SECOND VERSE
No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter
You're my experimental game
Just human nature
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey

CHORUS
I kissed a girl and I liked it
The taste of her cherry chap stick
I kissed a girl just to try it
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
I kissed a girl and I liked it
I liked it

So this is a women who is afraid to kiss another girl. She says "I don’t even know your name" "It’s not what good girls do." "Not how they should behave" "My head gets so confused." All of that is just good old fashioned fear. Which would normally keep somebody from doing something.

But she puts the fear aside and what is the result? “I kissed a girl and I liked it. The taste of her cherry chapstick” Of course she liked it. What lives on the other side of fear is almost always fun and at the very least you learn something.

So why does she defy the fear this time? Something else makes the discomfort worth it. In this case she tells you “You’re my experimental game.”

She gets curious. Curiosity doesn’t kill the cat. It gets the cat kissed. And yes there is an innuendo there. And yes she liked getting her kitty licked.

PILL, if you saw Katy Perry kissing a girl, you’d think “What does she have that I don’t?” And in that moment, you’d both be afraid. But she’d decided to go for it.

If it was your song it’d be called “I wanted to kiss a boy, but instead I went home and watched Oprah.”

I’m not judging, it’s just not catchy.

Speaking of, what does rhyme with Oprah? Opera? Okra? Damn she is smart. By making her name unrhymable, no rappers can trash talk her. Genius.

The point is, PILL, when you see your friend putting herself out there she is just doing the Katy Perry song, but with boys. For Katy it was curiosity (and a hit single) and for your friend it’s fun, attention, adventure, realizing you have to kiss a lot of frogs... whatever it is, your friend is choosing to not let her fears rule her. And of course the bonus is, the more you blast, the easier it gets. Fear goes away very fast when you’re doing things. It lasts forever if you sit still.

So PILL, here is your new mantra: just change the song's lyrics from “girl” to “boy” and “cherry” to “hairy.”

Everybody reading this.. try it.

“I kissed a boy and I think I liked it.”
“The taste of his hairy chapstick”

That’s right... sing it from the rooftops.

“I kissed a boy and I think I liked it.”
“The taste of his hairy chapstick”

Yes that’s a little vulgar. But come on, that's just too good to pass up. Cherry Chapstick to Hairy Chapstick... oh my gawd that’s good.

Now sometimes, as I’m sure you know, you will blast through your fears for an instantaneous benefit. Attention, a thrill, he was super-cute, it was Vegas. But most people don’t think to overcome their fear for a future benefit. Like say - ummmm - finding love. To find love takes a lot of openness and chances and choosing. Yes, even when it’s scary.

So you can take the magical pill, but I think we all learned from Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, that doesn’t end well.

The answer is to not let the fear rule you... To choose connection over protection. To stay present, relax, and go with the flow... So PILL, I guess there is something you can take... a chill pill.

Oh and hairy chapstick... sorry... couldn’t help myself.

A chill pill and hairy chapstick... sounds like a gay man on ecstasy... but you get the point.

Good luck and don’t forget to smile.

-DP

PLEASE LET ME KNOW
I only get better at what I do, by hearing from people. Any constructive criticism or telling me what you learned, is incredibly helpful.

CLICK HERE to tell me how you experienced this article.